I stood at the top of the staircase, looking down at her. She sat on the couch in the room below, outrage in her eyes.
“It’s like you don’t need me anymore!” She was pale with anger.
I didn’t have anything to say in response. It was true: I didn’t need my mother anymore, not in the way she meant. I had a great new job, a great new relationship, and things were looking up. But her exclamation hit a nerve.
In all honesty, I don’t think she would have said such a thing if she’d thought about it. Looking back on the encounter years later, I can understand, from a more compassionate place,what she meant by that. She felt devalued, unneeded. It was as if her purpose as a mother, from her perspective, had been ripped from her and torn to shreds right before her eyes.
At the time, I felt a swirl of emotions: anger, hurt, sadness. For many, many years, I looked back on that encounter with shame and guilt. I looked back on it as if she had been completely right and I had been completely wrong; as if she were the absolute victor and I the absolute loser. And as anyone who has ever gotten into a fight in the history of forever will tell you, no one is ever completely right or wrong. It didn’t matter, though.
I had adopted a victim mentality
It wasn’t until I began practicing Neurosculpting® that I was able to switch my point of view on the scene. As I write this post, I can’t fully remember what happened that day. A couple of years ago, I decided to write a new story.
My new story painted the picture of me succeeding, moving on with my life. The new story acknowledged that my mother had lashed out in a way that expressed her experience and her hurt, but that didn’t mean she’d won. In the end, the story was rewritten so that I can look back on the event now and feel proud of how I handled the argument.. I also view that memory through the lens of how well I was handling all the positive changes that were occurring in my life at the time.
As Lisa Wimberger wrote in Neurosculpting: A Whole-Brain Approach to Heal Trauma, Rewrite Limiting Beliefs, and Find Wholeness, “Being the victim is not only
easy, it can be an effortless default mode for many of us.”
As I began to rewrite this story, I found others that were linked to it. It had become so easy to be a victim, especially in the context of interactions with certain people, that I had cast myself in that role automatically. The victim role had so easily become a default.
So, I then began to rewrite other linked stories, and I was able to move past them.
When we adopt a victim mentality, we adopt the mentality that says, “Life happens to me.” That’s simply not the case! Life can happen around us and through us, but we are the victors of our own story. We can affect great change on our lives, just by changing how we view our role in our own stories.
Want to change your stories? Check out our directory of Certified Neurosculpting® Facilitators or find a class with founder Lisa Wimberger. Many of her classes are available for in-person attendance and via live stream.
Megan Winkler, MA, CNSF, is a journalist, author, and media strategist, whose works have been published on elephant journal, The Alternative Daily, Earth911, and other sites. Her books include nonfiction and fiction works, and she has worked with a number of renowned experts in the fields of user experience design, current events, and nutrition. She has a master’s degree in military history from American Military University and a never-ending thirst for knowledge and good audiobooks. As the NSI Editorial Coordinator, Megan works to further the mission of the NSI through the written word and aids other Certified Neurosculpting® Facilitators to deliver their messages to the world. She operates her private Neurosculpting® practice through her company, Healthy Narratives. www.healthynarratives.com Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Acrylic art credit: Jennifer Talbot
“Neuronal Dendrites” done with acrylics on 16×20 canvas
Island Time Studios