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Blank Pages by: Susan Aplin Pogue

Blank pages…wow those are sort of scary some days.

A part of my recovery program involves creating inventories of my resentments, my fears, and my sexual conduct, as well as revealing my character defects with the intent to have them removed. When I started my program I wasn’t really sure what that would require, so I had no anxiety about doing these things. I am thankful I didn’t have knowledge of what it would be, because I might have hesitated at starting anything that required I do these things, and now that I am in the depth of these things I find myself a little lost and scared.

When I started the inventories I didn’t mind doing them because I wasn’t too far removed from knowing what many of the items would be, but what I didn’t know was two things would really be hard for me. One, I didn’t want this to be something I will do over and over again in my life, rather I wanted to get it all out and done and gone (yeah, right…that was how it was going to go…sorry I just have to scoff and laugh out loud at myself in a loving way there). I wanted to bare my soul and have my ways burned out of me so I could just get on with having a “normal” life. Two, after I wrote, shared, and realized connections and commonalities in these inventories I was looking at a blank page. I literally feel as if I haven’t exactly been totally relieved of all of it (that isn’t how this will work for me) but I have somehow gotten separation from it. And while this is a promise I had going into it all I didn’t realize how lost I would feel. It is like I turned a page in a book in which frankly, the story lines were old, tired, and overused to find the rest of the pages blank. Super exciting, right? Well yes and no.

I can be excited because I have faith that my higher power (co-author) will help me develop the next pages. That by asking for his support and by doing what I think is the next right thing every minute of every day I will write on those pages in a way that will make my new life story amazing. And I am excited for that.

However I have been scared too. It was like all of my scripts were still in my head, but I just couldn’t willingly engage in them anymore. I had gotten past wanting to play those roles anymore, but it meant that I would often sit and hear an ocean in my head. Seriously, it was just eerie.

For example, an old family friend was with me a lot during this blanking out time. She is a very nice person with genuine affection and concern for me and others. She is also one of the least emotionally intelligent and most self-focused people I spend any time with at all. So I have historically really struggled with time with her because I feed into her energy and become drained and directionless. I find I try to reason with her, logic with her, or empathize with her. Well, I knew this dynamic only made me feel bad and spun her into more self-focused behaviors, but I didn’t have a script or rewrite for how to handle it differently. So I literally spent a lot of my time smiling and nodding. I realized that I needed to just be in the moment and observe. Even if my nods were encouragement to her it didn’t matter, because they were also learning moments for me. And when I sat down with my husband to start my old script where I bitched about how thoughtless, self-absorbed, and awful this friend can be I felt like I was not being my best and true self. So I stopped talking the old script and just told him that she was hard for me, that I wished I knew how to handle her in a way that didn’t drain me, and that I didn’t know how to yet, but I knew through my program’s practices and prayer I would one day. I shrugged my shoulders and walked away from my spouse who had no idea who just spoke to him because, under the previous script, his wife would still be bitching.

I share this part of my recovery because some of you may be doing inventories of your scripted behaviors and I want to prepare you for a time of blank pages. A time where you are thrilled you aren’t doing what you used to do, but a time where you don’t know what you should be doing. It can be scary but it’s a good kind of scared.

Transform.Inspire.Thrive.

Susan Aplin Pogue

Susan began her career in personal development after many years focused on self-development and improvement work. Her experiences led her to discover tools and practices that she was inspired to share with other people through her blog work. Additionally, she has created and facilitated leadership trainings for executive teams in corporate and small businesses. Susan is a public speaker, and has addressed audiences on topics ranging from leadership to time management.  Her mission is to share practical and powerful self-management techniques to those in recovery from any aspect of their life that has begun to negatively impact their well-being and quality of life. She holds a Bachelor’s Degree in English from the University of Colorado, Boulder, a Certification in Emergenetics ® , and a Certification in DDI Management Skills ®. Her work draws upon her background in corporate training and human resource departments, as well as her life experiences. Susan’s blog work is published by The Neurosculpting ® Institute. Transform, Inspire, Thrive.

 

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